Archives for posts with tag: Halloween

Donna Louise here tracking Frankenstorm—a clever name when you think about it. The weather people have senses of humor. Maybe they must to survive so many failed predictions. Here in the Heart of America we won’t see any of it, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be affected. Halloween will be like always though and that’s the most important thing.

I talked to Mina and Lucy again, tracked them to their home address. Neither one was any friendlier than they were before AND they have reconciled. The two, young women now share an apartment in the ‘hood. When I knocked on the door after jimmying the front door to the apartment building, Mina answerd and looked very surprised. She recovered quickly. “What do YOU want?”

As I pushed the door open, imagine my surprise to see Lucy flat on her back having a pedicure from Count Dracula. Lucy screamed. The Count screamed. Mina attempted to deck me with a right hook, but I put the door between us. Her fist hit solid wood and I swear I heard some cracking, probably just her knuckles.

I headed straight for the Count who cowered on the far side of the chaise longue (aka, chaise lounge). Lucy had sat up so she could hide him from my view. She’s much too thin to hide anyone.

“What’s going on? Do you know him?”

Lucy stuttered. “Ye…ye..yes. He..e..e…e’s our boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend?” My head turning back and forth as I looked at Mina and Lucy. I felt like I was at Wimbleton. “Then why did you call the police and report an assault?”

 Mina yelled at me from the floor. “I didn’t. You butted in and tried to save me.”

“What are you talking about? You were the one who was screaming for help.”

Mina sat in an easy chair and massaged her knuckles. “It was a scene, you silly bitch, not real life.”

She had just crossed a line. I turned from Lucy and the Count and walked over to the easy chair. “Listen, Sarah Bernhardt, you play your scenes out on stage, not on the street.”

“I’m Mina Murray, not Sarah what’s-her-name.” (Don’t these kids study the history of the theater?) The sneeriness (I made that up) dripped from her voice.

I walked around behind the chair and leaned over so I could whisper in her ear. “Filing a false police report is a crime punishable by imprisonment or a fine or both. Now stuff that attitude.”

She rose from the chair. “And who’s gonna make me?”

As I hurried around the chair, she fled to the chaise where she joined the Count.

“Now that I have your attention, let me tell you how wrong what you all did was? You’ve used up lots of police man hours that couldv’e been spent on real crimes. Some people think a vampire in on the loose. You’ve made people afraid. Scared people make bad neighbors.”

The Count whimpered. “But we were only doing a realistic scene. You’re too old to understand.”

“Too old to understand? I’ve been doing public scenes since I was four years old. But, I haven’t been reporting false assaults to the police.”

Mina had apparently grown a little more sure of herself. “Yeah, but if you had minded your own business, the trouble never would have started.”

“Did you expect people not to come to your aid? What kind of world would that be?” I cringed as I said it because I almost knew for sure what her response would be.

Sure enough, she said exactly what I thought she might. “Most people would have ignored my pleas for help, but I had to get a do-gooder.”

As Mama always said, “No good deed goes unpunished.”


Donna Louise here googling “Vampire Clubs in Kansas City, Missouri.” Monday night after returning from questioning at the police station, I thought I’d just check to see if any vampire clubs existed in the metro area. What were the chances? Quite good it turned out. Vampires are dead and doing well in the city. Now to enter the subculture and search for that stupid young man running around terrorizing women in my neighborhood.

Monday night at the police station, they advised me of my rights. I refused to answer any questions without my lawyer being present. Right on cue, Mikey walked through the door with Max, our neighborhood attorney, briefcase in hand, looking very professional except for his sweat suit. He must have seen the look in my eyes because he said, “This is what I wear when I watch political debates on TV–which your arrest disturbed. Obama appeared to be winning so I didn’t feel too bad about leaving. Besides Henry has recorded the rest of it for me to watch when I get home.”

The police asked me how I’d come to be at the scene of the assault and covered with blood. I explained the circumstances. One of the guys actually smiled. They wanted to take blood samples and have my T-shirt and shorts to examine for blood which would have left me nude. My attorney advised me against giving them my clothes. I agreed. I wasn’t Sharon Stone enticing the police detective.

I might have spent the night in jail had Detective Yank Kaiser not come by the cubicle. He stopped to stare at me. “Donna Louise, what in the hell are you doing here? Can’t you stay out of trouble?”

The officer questioning me said, “You know her. She has refused to answer any questions. I’m thinking of booking her for suspicion of assault with intent to do great bodily harm.”

Yank laughed. “Who’d she attack this time? Was she dressed as a man?” (He was referring to the time I dressed as a man to solicit Ivy who I thought was a nun gone bad, but she turned out to be a vice officer.)

“A vampire.” The officer said straight-faced.

“Oh, now you’re running around the streets as a vampire? Didn’t that man thing work for you?” He lost control laughing.

“Would you shut up, detective? I was not dressed as a vampire. I was rescuing a young woman from a vampire attack.”

I looked at the men grouped around me. Yank couldn’t stop laughing. The police officers scribbled across their interview pads. Max’s eyes had opened wide. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

They determined that I was not a flight risk…unless I could turn into a bat. That comment caused more laughter. Max got me released on my own recognizance. It helped that Detective Kaiser told them I was a lot of things, but certainly not a vampire.

In bed by 11 p.m. I dreamed that I caught the vampire. A stake through the heart and he was dust. I awoke in a sweat. Stakes, I’ve got to whittle some stakes (note to self:  see if I can purchased stakes for killing vampires), but first I’ll try to enter the city’s vampire scene to see if I can find that guy.

Now, what to wear?