Archives for the month of: October, 2011

Donna Louise here weeping tears of joy over my wedding day.

The minister asked everyone who’d shouted “I can” to line up and he’d listen to their reasons Arnie and I couldn’t be lawfully married. Before he could organize an inquisition (he seemed like the type who would), I took over.

One of Mama’s favorite Shakespeare quotes was, “Honesty is the best policy.” I had messed up big time.

I took Arnie’s hands in mine. “You’re a wonderful man. Anyone would be lucky to have your love. It’s okay you’re gay, but I’m not looking for that quality in a spouse…at least not now. You belong with Sean who loves you. And you love him too.”

I started to cry which messed up my eye make-up and gave me a ghoulish look. “Arnie, we only got here because I didn’t want you humiliated in front of those people who think gay isn’t okay. I want more than anything for you to be happy.”

He looked at me. “I don’t know what to say. Sean and I thought it would be better for me to marry you and then have the marriage annulled, rather than ruin your wedding day. You seemed to look forward to it so much. I wanted you to be happy.”

“You were planning an annulment?” I laughed. Great minds think alike.

“Donna Louise, what now?”

Sean pushed his way to the altar and took Arnie in his arms and kissed him. I said, “By the power vested in me, I pronounce you married.”

The minister butted in. “You can’t do that. It’s an abomination.”

Fern strode up the aisle and went toe-to-toe with the reverend. “Back away from my son and his spouse, you ignorant Bible thumper.”

The minister turned and ran toward the exit. “I’m calling the police. They’ll arrest the lot of you perverts.”

Trudy said, “Alright, fellow pervs, we have a reception to attend. See you at Arnie’s…and Sean’s place.”

We partied until sunrise Sunday morning and then all went to breakfast just like we did in the old days when we closed down the bars, except this time we all went home with the people we loved.*

Mama was right again. 

Happy Halloween to my ghost and goblin friends and to all my dear readers.

*Don’t ask me who I went home with because I don’t kiss and tell…well, at least not right now.

Donna Louise here still buzzing from my wedding. Like Mama always said, “Life guarantees three things:  drama, drama, and more drama.”

 I looked divine. Trudy and Fern dressed me. I carried a small jack-o-lantern filled with yellow and rust-colored baby mums. As I stood at the entrance to the sanctuary, I gasped at the sight. Thousands of candles gave off a soft glow. Corn stalks and pots of mums lined the aisle. At the end stood Arnie dressed in his Armani tux. The only ugly thing? That sour minister who could play the wicked witch in a re-make of “The Wizard of Oz.”

I walked down the aisle accompanied by the recording of Bette Midler singing, “Going to the Chapel of Love.” I smiled like the Cheshire cat. Thanks, Mama, for good dental habits.

My side of the church was much fuller than I expected. Many of them had not received invitations, but came anyway. I loved them all.

Lee sat with her girlfriend, a drop-dead gorgeous redhead. Lee waved at me and then got a funny look in her eyes.

As I passed her pew, I heard someone scream, “Mommy!?!” I turned to see Lee running up to me.

“Where’d you get that ribbon?” She pointed to the blue ribbon I wore in my hair. “I gave one like it to my Mom years ago.”

Before I could answer, Derk stepped out into the aisle. “No, Lela, I’m your mom.” He opened his arms and Lee ran to him.

I kept saying, “Don’t cry. It’ll ruin your make-up.”

They cried and held each other. What else could I do, but continue the march to the altar?

The minister kept smacking his hand with his Bible like he was on a schedule.

He asked, “What was that all about?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I think Arnie’s mother’s twin brother was Lee’s mother.”

The minister sucked all the oxygen out of the church. He glared at me. Through gritted teeth, he said, “Dearly beloved, we are here to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. If anyone can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him speak now, or else hereafter hold his peace.”

The shouts of “I can” echoed through the sanctuary like “Amens” at a revival. The minister said, “Okay, everyone take a number.”

See, miracles do happen.