Archives for the month of: September, 2011

Donna Louise here pondering the bum rap Eve received. That dumb-ass Adam could have said, “No, that apple will spoil my paradise.”’ But he didn’t. When confronted with his bad behavior, what did he say? Was it a grown-up thing like, “Yes, I ate an apple?” No, Adam acted like a three-year-old child. “That woman gave it to me.” He jumped up and down as he poked his finger in Eve’s direction. 

But, God’s reaction was just as bad. Did he act like the adult? No, he got all pompous and holier-than-thou and drove them out of the garden. Result:  Women have been blamed for every bad male behavior since.

To participate in Arnie’s therapy, the doctor administered several psych tests to make sure I was 100% woman (i.e. stupid, helpless, gender-enslaved). I did what most intelligent women has done in similar situations since Eve’s downfall, I lied.

I mean, c’mon, with true-false questions like: “I open a door instead of waiting for a man to open it for me?” Or, “Men are intellectual while women are emotional?” How could I miss?

Then the “fill-in-the-blank questions” test was administered. Christ is to the church what the husband is to his ________. My personal favorite was “________ will lead while women will follow.” Could the answers possibly be “poker buddies” and “Fashion?” I didn’t think so.

I thought I performed quite well even though my blood pressure rose to stroke level by the end of their ridiculous testing session.

Later that afternoon, Dr. Erricksson called me in for a conference. He held my chair as I sat down. “Miss Donna Louise, it’s a rare privilege to meet a woman so blessed with such feminine virtue. You achieved a perfect score. You’re exactly what Mr. Jackman needs. His new treatments begin tomorrow morning.”

I fluttered my eyelids. “And what part will I play?”

“You’ll seduce him into having sexual intercourse. Use that power for good.”

I wanted to wrap my thighs of steel around the good doctor’s neck and squeeze until his head popped off, but, I smiled, “Isn’t that a sin? We aren’t married.”

“Technically, yes, but when Mr. Jackman’s cured and the homosexual demon leaves him, you can beg God’s forgiveness.”

“What if that forgiveness is not forthcoming?”

The doctor cleared his throat. “Oh, well. At least you’ve saved a man’s soul.”

Eve should have killed Adam when she had the chance.

Donna Louise here wondering about the world of conversion therapy which sounded like kink to me. After I met with Dr. Erricksson, I knew it was pseudo-therapy kink.

Dr. Erriksson turned paternalistic on me like I was his not-very-bright daughter. “Mr. Jackman wants to leave the evil, loathsome homosexual lifestyle behind, but must overcome years of conditioning. His weak father and overpowering mother caused his struggle with a masculine identity.”

As usual it’s the mother’s fault, a holdover from evil Eve and the downfall of man. I felt sad for Fern. But, I smiled like a good Stepford wife should.

“Mr. Jackman has worked very hard to stand like a Christian man in the eyes of God, but the recent incident of seeing his perverted friend caused a relapse. He sought treatment in a positive, heterosexual environment, a decision with which I concurred.”

I could visualize Arnie in his navy blue outfit. Not right for a man with a Fall color palette.

“Doctor, how long will Arnie be confined?”

“Now, now, Miss Donna Louise, you leave that to me. I’ll take good care of him.”

Somehow I doubted that, but I played along. “If I may ask, what treatment will he receive?”

The doctor pulled out a doll that looked like Adam in the painting, complete with  leaves covering its genitals. “Let me explain using this anatomically correct model.”

“On Monday we began a series of aversion therapy sessions using homosexual pornography. We attached electrodes to the subject’s…Mr. Jackman’s penis and scrotum.”

He lifted the leaves,careful not to let me see the doll’s junk, and attached tiny electrodes to something. He licked his lips.

“We showed him photos of men engaging in abnormal behavior. If the machines registered any arousal, I zapped him.” He shook the doll as though it had been electrocuted. His breath quickened and then slowed as though he had orgasmed.

“You did what?” I barely controlled the urge to pull off Dr. Erricksson’s genitalia.

He stood up. “I know. It’s shocking to a layman like yourself, but his immortal soul is worth physical discomfort. Don’t you agree?”

Having regained my composure, I nodded my head. “Forgive my outburst, Doctor Erricksson. The discussion of body parts upsets my sensibilities. Please continue.”

“That therapy wasn’t as successful as we’d hoped. That’s where you come into the therapeutic process.”

I could hardly wait to hear my role.