Archives for the month of: August, 2011

Donna Louise here, all packed and ready to go. Right now I regret leaving this place. I want to break out in song, “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves.” I like the Annie Lennox (Eurhythmics) and Aretha Franklin version better than the Spice Girls one.

In the middle of my third drink, Mother Superior told me that Thursday night Men’s Kegels would resume when she received the all clear from her sources.

I loved that plan. I mean, urinary incontinence is not something I’d wish on anyone. Wait, weren’t they having sex?

“Mother Superior, do you really lead the men in Kegel exercises? Wasn’t Thursday night all about sex?”

She came over and sat next to me. “Kegel exercises increase a man’s sexual pleasure. We started with them, but then the Rejoicing Emissaries conducted “private sessions” in the auditorium. We’ve always been discrete in that area.”

I thought about the prostitution show on public access. “What about Sister Anita? She got caught by the cops.”

Mother Superior coughed. “Yes and I wasn’t happy about that…”

I couldn’t help but ask, “Didn’t her make-up look like a blind monkey had applied it?”

“You’re right about that. See, Sister Anita came to us from the streets. Her pimp fed her addictions. She asked us for help and we rescued her, sobered her up, and trained her to become a Rejoicing Emissary. She slipped. That’s all I can say, but we took her back. She’s clean.”

She could still use some make-up training, but I didn’t say that. “What about Sister Ivy?”

“Donna Louise, she came here with one purpose: to infiltrate the organization and close us down. We found that out from a source and put her out before she knew anything.”

Sister Ivy, a spy and traitor? My heart hurt, until I realized I was no better or worse than she was.

Mother Superior hugged me. “Donna Louise, what a pleasure knowing you has brought to us all. We’ll give you severance pay and a ride anywhere you want to go tomorrow. Come back if things change for you. We can always use a WHORE with a heart of gold.”


Donna Louise here, waiting for a sign. I leave the Worldwide Holy Order of Rejoicing Emissaries (WHORE) tomorrow. I’ve gotta share what Mother Superior told me.

“Donna Louise, we’re a religious order of sex workers who have organized. Most women who live here know. You appeared one day and moved in. We liked you and thought you understood, but, we were so very wrong.” She laughed and took a sip of her beer.

“But, Mother Superior, why pretend?”

“We’re not pretending. Our religion believes that women have the right to control their bodies in every way. We choose to engage in sex as a symbol of Love. We choose to take offerings of money for our sacrifices. Our religious teachings require it.”

“Mother Superior, the vice squad disagrees.”

She nodded her head. “Of course, they do. Yet they think nothing of putting young women like your friend, Ivy, out on the street to entrap men and, in your case, women who offer money for sex.”

I blushed. Boy, they did have people in prominent places.

Still puzzled I asked, “But, why a new religion? Haven’t we got a lot of them already?”

“Another drink, Donna Louise…before I answer?” She drained her beer, grabbed my glass and went to the bar in the wall of her office.

I didn’t need another drink, but I thought it best to accept her hospitality after I’d turned against her and the Order.

She placed my drink on the table next to me. As she sat down, she popped the top on her Japanese beer.

“A group of us, all highly paid sex workers, got tired of the harassment from the sex haters and started a religion with branches all across the country. Being recognized as a religious organization will allow us to ‘practice’ without interference from local, state or federal authorities. And everything we own will be tax-free…a big benefit of being a religious institution in this country, where everything from your church to the taco stand your church owns is tax-free.”

“You’re kidding. Everything? No wonder everyone wants to start a church.”

She smiled. “We’ll fight all efforts to close down our Mother Houses under the religious freedoms guarantee of the First Amendment and we’ve got some good women lawyers on our side.”

She drained her beer. “Another drink?”

“Why not?” I felt empowered.