Donna Louise here. Sister Ivy has disappeared. She missed every meal on Saturday including chili cheese dogs and stewed okra which are her faves. She leads Saturday evening Kegels, but Sister Weymuth replaced her. Sister’s a wonderful person, but her Kegel prayer sessions leave me without that burn.
Between Consciousness Breathing and breakfast, I strayed off-path and stopped by Sister Ivy’s cell. I knocked. No answer. As I grabbed the doorknob, Sister Joy Abunda, the self-appointed hall monitor, rounded the corner. “What are you doing?”
Sister Joy teaches self-defense to the Rejoicing Emissaries. Word’s out she’s a former Amazonian Guard member, the elite, 40-virgin fighting force that guards Libya’s Khadafi. They receive training in hand-to-hand combat and in the use of weapons for the destruction of masses. Tired of being a virgin, she fled Libya with the desire to lose her virginity and use her skills for the defense of women everywhere. Built like a two-seater, brick outhouse, the woman makes quite an impression.
“Well, Sister Donna Louise, I asked you a question.”
As I turned toward her, I unfocused my eyes. “Huh?” Okay. So that wasn’t the most brilliant response of my life, but it’s all I could summon up.
She grabbed my arm and shook me. “I asked you what you’re doing here. Now answer me.”
Time for Plan B: a spiritual awakening. Go ahead. It was cheap and low, but you didn’t have a 300-pound, attack virgin restricting the blood flow in your left arm.
My eyes rolled back in my head. “Sweet Jesus, your Spirit’s moving in me. Come, Lord Jesus.” I trembled like I’d been shocked, followed by a full-fledged, ecstatic seizure. “I’m on fire with the love of God.” I swooned and fell to the floor. Well, not quite, because Sister Joy didn’t let go of my arm.
She screamed. “Sister down. Get Mother Superior.” She dropped my arm (and me) and took off as if the hounds of Hell nipped at her heels. Some fierce virgin, huh?
Oh, great. I fake a spiritual awakening to get out of trouble and end up on the floor waiting for Mother Superior to arrive. Good going, Donna Louise.