Opening Night Threat

Donna Louise here continuing the story of how Rhonda Downunda, adult film star, found herself in trouble with the WICKED women.

“So, there I was in my stretch limo headed to the theater. We turned the corner of block where I would ‘meet and greet’, actually ‘hustle and tussle’ is what we stars call the walk from the car to the theater lobby.”

Her mouth dropped open and her eyes opened really wide. I looked to see what she saw, but there was no one in the room. Maybe she’s had a seizure. I reached for the call button.

“OMG, about 500 people stood in front of the theater. I thought they had come to get me. Then I heard the chanting, ‘We love por-no.’ And the signs—the signs made me cry. ‘Keep your hands off my privates.’ ‘God loves adult movies.’ ‘Don’t ask and I won’t tell.’ These men and women were putting their lives and reputations on the line for me.”

Now it was my turn to stare slack-jawed into space. I shivered from the chills.

Rhonda squeezed my hand. “Across the street were some protesters with the usual, unimaginative signs about God and Hell and damnation.”

“When the limo stopped and the chauffeur opened the door, the crowd erupted in cheers. The manager reached for my hand to help me out of the car. ‘Miss Rhonda, I apologize for the nut cases across the street. If you’ll come with me, I’ll get you inside where you’ll be safe.’”

“You know, all my life I’d been running from those people who thought they knew what I was because I’d chosen to be an adult film star. I’d listened to their hateful and ignorant opinions and even took some of them to heart at various low points in my life. That night in OKC, something snapped inside me. Instead of going inside to the safety of the lobby, I grabbed a sign and stood with the people who had made me famous and rich, the ones who had something to lose by supporting me so publicly in OKC. If they could stand up for me, I could stand up for myself and them. The protesters went away, but not before that evil bitch, Reverend Sussman’s wife…”

“Elvira?”

“Yeah, that one. She grabbed a megaphone and screamed at me. ‘I’ll see you in Hell, fornicator.’”

“To which I replied, ‘You’re on, bitch.’ I guess she tried to facilitate my journey Saturday night.”

“You think?”

A Film Premier

Donna Louise here feeling responsible for Rhonda’s near-death experience. Seems I inspired her to take a stand for adult films in such a public way that she became a target for those wicked WICKED women. I know. I know. I can’t be held responsible for what other people do, but I was raised with the collective guilt of the human race on my shoulders, or maybe my culture inculcated (a positive word for “brainwashed”) that idea of responsibility into me. Whatever happened, I feel responsible.

Rhonda holds me blameless. She told me so that first afternoon at the hospital when I visited her.

She called me her dearest friend and said I was responsible for her being in the hospital. She said it in a positive, not mean, way.

“See I became a SISsie after I read your blog posts about how you joined the fight against the anti-sex forces. Those anti-sex people have been after my ass, figuratively speaking, ever since it appeared in ‘A-`nal & the Night Visitors.’”

I burst into gales of laughter. I couldn’t help myself.

“What’s so funny?”

“Who thinks of those film titles? They’re so—not sexy.”

She laughed. “Probably some poor schmuck who makes minimum wage and works in a windowless room for a tyrant of a boss. His, or her, only revenge is to make up amusing titles. That’s one end of the business I don’t know. Now where was I?”

“You were telling me about ‘Anal & the Night Visitors’.”

“It’s A-`nal, not Anal. The emphasis is on the second syllable.” She paused and appeared to be thinking. “OMG, I just got it.” She slapped her thighs and laughed for a few minutes. She tried to stop, but the laughter erupted again.  Tears streamed down her face. “I thought it was a foreign name, but it’s…”  Off she went.

When she calmed down, she continued. “Okay, so the film was a Christmas-themed adult film. We rushed production to have it out the day after Thanksgiving for the Christmas crowd, usually frustrated straight men who need some relief from the holiday cheer.”

“We premiered it in Oklahoma City, my hometown. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, but it’s conservative and very Christian (or at least that’s what they call themselves). On opening night, I showed up to greet my fans and you’ll never believe what happened.”

“Try me.”